Seeking Advice

A blogfriend  of mine, who has chosen to remain anonymous, asked me to ask for your advice.....

My best female friend has been my best female friend for so many years.We met in grade two. We are more like sisters than friends and I love her and always will. My boyfriend of four months is handsome, nice  and  funny and I can see a future with him. My best friend doesn't like him, she  has never said  so, but  I can tell when she doesn't like someone. Recently I asked  my friend what she thought of my guy, she  was polite but said that she doesn't think "he  is the right one  for me." I asked  her for reasons but she said that if he is the one she doesn't want her opinion  to cloud my happiness or her bad-talk to be one day thrown in her face. Now I am confused. Should I even care what she thinks of him? Should I force her to tell me what she thinks? Maybe she is  just jealous. It doesn't bother  me that my family or other friends  don't like  him, but it DOES bother me that my best female friend might  become distant if my relationship with my boyfriend gets deeper. My question is, should it really matter  what  your friends think of  your significant  other?

Well, please, offer  your wonderful advice.

Comments

[kenju]

If none of your friends, including this one, and your family do not think this guy is right for you - run like the wind away from him. Where there is that much smoke, there is bound to be fire. It is not jealousy if everyone agrees with her.

She is a very smart woman not to tell you why she doesn't like him, so don't try and force her to tell you.

[Karen]

when the opinion is giving in a caring way, it should definitely be taken into consideration. Your friends don't have rose colored glasses on when looking and dealing with the guy/girl. However, I'd pause if it was given in a catty way, or by someone I wasn't horribly close to.

[pickalish]

I'm with Kenju...you said," it doesn't bother me that my family or other friends don't like him".....well, it should. Something is off here, you better figure it out and move on.

[Paula]

I'm with the others--find out why no one likes this guy.

[Shephard]

your family *and* friends and best friend don't like him?

I'd very graciously ask them all for very specific reasons. If they ALL don't like him, there has to be a good reason, a common denominator, or you need new friends and less family.

[DebR]

Yikes! I'm joining the chorus here. If the best friend was the only one to not like the new boyfriend, then I'd say just be patient and maybe he'll grow on her. But if ALL your friends and family dislike him, that sets off huge alarm bells in my mind. HUGE! Can every single person who loves you be wrong? What are all of them seeing in him that you don't?

Also, I agree with what kenju said - this friend is a smart cookie to not want to tell you specifically what she doesn't like. If you eventually end up married to this guy, anything bad she would say about him would be bound to cause problems between you later.

[sidhe]

Alarm bells - yes, use theirs if yours aren't working. Last time I heard a scenario like this, I was one of several naysayers - none of us able to say why because it was just a gut feeling (definitely not jealousy). Later, after our friend had spent a whole lotta $ and devotion on the guy, it turned out he had women all over the US and Canada - she found all the letters from them.
Better step back a bit and take a good look!

[better safe than sorry]

i say give the guy a chance, but be looking for signs. i absolutely hated my bf's boyfriend but never said anything, and she was with him for 17 years. happy years. but when he was gone, i was there for her.

[Megan]

I'm with the others. If no one else likes him either, you should take a closer look.

And don't press her. She doesn't want to lose you.

[tia]

I'll be yet another "been there, done that" - (So I am tempted to scream "RUN girl, RUN!".. You will thank them all later!) The people who are closest to you and have known you all your life can obviously see something that love is blinding you from.... So - if you ask for that feedback, be prepared not to get defensive and *really* listen. And then make up your own mind.

[Jennie]

Ask everyone why they don't like your man. You may be surprised to see some things you didn't before. If you still don't agree, then carry on...until you do. ;) No, I'm kidding, I'm sure there are plenty of people happily married to spouses that everyone else didn't like, but it's worth a listen and consideration if these are the people you love and who love you.

[Chrysalis]

It sounds like she told you what she thinks. She's not crazy about him, but she wants you to decide for yourself.
So decide for yourself.

[Cyndy]

I suppose you can agree to disagree; but the main thing is that YOU are in the relationship with HIM, not her. Perhaps she is afraid this relationship will be threatening to your friendship with her?

[Pearl]

I'd back what Chrysalis said. That's what I heard.

[anniebird]

I agree with everybody who advises your friend to investigate the reasons her family and friends don't like this guy. I'm not sure I'd press the best friend for more details right now; I think I'd try to collect more information from others and, once I had thoughfully considered it, try to re-introduce the topic with the best friend, indicating that I had been re-thinking the relationship based on my family and other friends' objections to the boyfriend. All this would apply, of course, if your friend began to agree with the criticisms....if she can't find worth in the reasons given by everyone who dislikes him, then I suppose she will have to honor her best friend's position, trust that a good friend doesn't abandon you when you make a choice she disagrees with, and be ready to eat humble pie if she someday finds that those who opposed the boyfriend were right.

[Phil]

Kenju said it nicely.

[Gypsy]

If she values the opinions of her family and friends, I'd listen. If no one likes him, I'd wonder why. Unless her family and friends are all jerks. If only a few people don't like him, she should listen to her own opinion and let the others have theirs. Perhaps with time they'll change their minds.

[InterstellarLass]

If neither your friend nor you family can find reason to like this guy, you need to figure out why. Not saying that anyone but you has to like him, but there might be good reason to question.

[AOC]

I was going to say trust your own judgement until the line about your family not liking the guy either. It would raise a few question in my mind about what everyone elese is seeing that you are not. Ask family member why they don't like him. then see if tehy match your freind's reasons. She has know you since you were 8, so she might have some pretty good insight.

[Vic]

well my now-husband didn't really get on with my best friend.... they just didn't click. However I knew he was the right guy for me. They are fine with each other now, but just not really close or anything, which is fine by me. Sure it would be easier if they loved each other, but I normally do things with my BF just the two of us anyway.

You should base your relationship on what you THINK. If everyone around you has doubts, then just keep your eyes open and ears pricked.

[Melinama]

When I split up with my ex-husband, I realized suddenly that none of my friends had ever liked him. Now, looking back, I see that they were all right.